Confessions of a two year old

Last year, I wrote about my one year old's epiphany.  I wanted to continue the tradition this year. Two years ago on this day, I was rebaptized. These are the things I learned as I turned two years old in Christ.

Humiliation

It is an uncomfortable word. It is an uncomfortable experience. Yet, while I look back over the course of this past year, I have a deep appreciation of the moments of humiliation in my life. See, I am a stubborn and hard-hearted man, and so I have realized that while affirmation and encouragement can be meaningful, it is not what really pushes me into greater growth. The experiences in my life where I fall down on my face in humiliation are the ones that ultimately create more growth in me. I cling to Christ closer. I am made small in my own eyes and it causes me to depend more fully upon Jesus. As my mentor Matt Minikus said to me, Cling to the things which humble you. I normally run away from them, but over this past year I have found these moments to be the ones where heaven draws nearer to me.

Bigotry

I have it. I was very surprised when I realized it. I didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming. I always considered myself a very open and accepting person, but it turns out that I am a bigot. To be bigoted is to reveal an obstinate belief in the superiority of one's own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others. Those of you who know me personally will probably agree that I struggle with this a lot. I realized some months ago and I have continually realized it over the course of this year, perhaps because I dedicated the year of 2013 to fighting my personal bigotry. What I realized is that my bigotry was tied into who I was and that it didn't matter what ideological tendencies I leaned to. I have gone through hyper conservative, hyper liberal, and very backslidden phases and I can attest that no matter what I believed, I had the tendency to look down upon the 'others.' I believe it is a human plague and it doesn't matter whether I am particularly religious or not, it is going to emerge. Therefore, I am wielding the weapons of Christ against it this year. I mean, you tell me, is there any room for bigotry in the fellowship of believers where we are supposed to reflect a unity in Christ comparable to the one the Father and Son enjoy?

Joy

Last year, when I turned one year old in Christ, I was still struggling with a lot of grief and a lot of bitterness. I cannot say I have been totally healed from those things. I must admit there are times where I still struggle with wanting to disengage, be depressed, and throw a little self-pity party to which no one has any interest in coming to. So yes, I am not totally healed, but over the last year, I have recovered my ability to enjoy. It's come slowly, much to the chagrin of my old ARISE intern friends. I had such a hard time letting loose and having fun when I was with them. The warmth, compassion, and love of friends, family, and my girlfriend, have made them vessels of the Spirit to guide Bryant back into the folds of joy. I know that I am positive and optimistic at heart, but much sin, guilt, and heartbreak have created barriers and suffocated the roots of joy in my heart. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ who has been able to give life to these seeds though. As I turn to two years old, I find myself laughing more often. I find myself being able to take a night off and make small talk again. Heck, I even find myself using smileys often. My happy dancing is back!

>)")>    ^(")^      <("<(

There are my honest reflections as I turn two years of age in Christ. I am ever grateful the Spirit called me and continues to call me. I know I am far from the mark, but as I look back over this year, I find reason to have faith the Lord is raising me up. And with faith, comes hope. Now, hope does not disappoint, right?

I fell down in tears

I fell down in tears.

In tears.

When the Cleveland Clinic video started playing, I was beginning to quiver already. A few seconds in, my tears were already coming out. Having just finished a session of conflict resolution and experiencing the great relief which comes with it, my heart was left in a very sensitive place. The sobriety awakened me to the needs of others, awakened me to stop resisting the emotions which were always there.

Because I have to confess I am the emotional creature, the feeler of tension in the room and absorber of joy in the work place. When I am not living with a hard hearted attitude, the concerns and emotions and sadness and anxieties are very evident to me. I can tell when someone was put off or why they smiled in that way. It's the curse of intuition. The mantra of the ENFP. I confess there's a mothering desire inside me which I so often stifle because it's not cool, or it's not convenient, or I'm tired and dwelling in self-pity.

But after having walked through conflict resolution and employing my ears to do that which they are meant for, listening, and then genuinely warmly embracing this brother of mine, I was in a very soft place. And when the video began to play, when the sound track behind brief clips of people doing hospital things like riding an elevator, smiling in an eccentric manner to a child, or contemplating what these result papers mean in the waiting room hit my ears, I knew I was going to cry. As I read the captions besides each subject in the clip, the caption beside the patient, or the radiologist, or the desk attendant, I could feel this deep gut wrenching. In each caption was a worry or concern or reason for joy  for that individual and the way the video played out I could just hear the very loud message coming through:

Nobody around them really knows this information which is so heavy on this person's heart. You wouldn't know either if you were a part of their life because, let's be honest, when was the last time you sought out a person to really listen to what's on their heart...

And I cried. I cried bitterly and unashamedly as the whole class watched the four minute video. I let myself feel the weight of the situation and this deep angry repentance rose up in my heart. After my tears, I thought the emotions I experienced had subsided but  when the clip ended, Laurence asked me to share what I had felt. And as I walked back to the group from the sound booth where I had been, all the pain, hurt, anger, repentance, longing, and passion roared back to life.

There's so much pain, so much pain, (I am walking towards my seat, circling the class.) so much pain in this world. So much pain in everyone all around me all the time. And I ignore it, I fight it, I resist it, I turn my eyes away from it, I harden my heart and choose to not deal with it. And I hate so much that I am a culprit, sitting on the wealth of gospel and good news that's supposed to bring reconciliation to the world, but I am not doing anything with it. I am approaching my seat at the table now. It makes me want to flip over the tables of my fakery in the way that the Rabbi Jesus did once and just rid myself of all the crap my self-seeking brings. I sit. My head bows down towards the edge of the table. No longer do I yell, this a whimpering plea. It made me long, it made me long so much for Jesus to return, to come soon... and heal... And restore, I thought but didn't manage to whimper out between my falling tears.

Christ is our unity

This last Saturday was a special one at the Christian Advent Center. It was a Russian-German Sabbath with a huge influx of local Russian Adventists coming to conduct the service. I am not sure on the details of the set up yet, but they come once a month and the whole service is conducted in Russian-German as opposed to English-German. The added complexity comes with the existence of some fellows like me who speak neither Deutsch or Russian. So at one point during Sabbath school, there was a Russian host being translated to German and English by two others. In my nineteen years of age, this has not been a regular sighting.

Having rarely experienced such a diverse setting for church, I greatly enjoyed to be part of the multicultural worship service. I also had the added privilege for this to be my first time in the back helping run the live stream, which kept my mind pretty full and focused throughout the day. However, I did not let the precious experience of being in that room pass me by. I cannot stress enough how refreshing this past Sabbath was from the many one-language services I have been to. It is nice to see brothers and sisters make efforts to worship together despite culture and/or language barriers recognizing that there is one faith we share. Moreover, we recognize this commonality supersedes the fact that we have to communicate through translators and body language and on last Sabbath, chose to worship together, eat together, fellowship together, tire out together, and close together.

By day's end, nothing but joy remained as I broke Turkish bread, with Croatian, Russian, Ukrainian, American, German, Bulgarian, and Brazilian friends. Cultural barriers be gone, for Christ is our unity.

A moment of humility

Most of my life has played out in a way reverse of what most people communicate their Christian experience to be. God has not been continually moving me into a job or role I never had interest in taking. On the contrary, I have dreamed of being a pastor since I was four or five, conducting small church service programs for my family in our rural Mexican home. Preaching a little sermon or sharing about Jesus to strangers in the market place.

When I was in fourth grade, I was already considering life in pastoral work, whom I would marry, and the way I would run things if I was given the reins to a church. In fact, it was so much in my little elementary mind that I wrote a couple poems about it.

So for me, I have always wanted to be in ministry and get a paycheck for it.

God hasn't needed to persuade me or 'gently' pressure me into it.

However, God has allowed me to serve in positions over the last several years where I have suffered serious damage to my pride. My ministry experience has been about continually realizing that my desires, ambitions, talents, goals, vision, etc. is not enough to create successful kingdom work.

In moments of humility, I face my limitations, or weaknesses, or just plain old rude selfish character and I fall to my knees pleading for God's forgiveness and blessing. Over the course of these last two weeks here in Germany, I have had several moments of humility but one has particularly stood out. The reason why it stands out so much is because it is in an area of great pride for me, the area of communication.

For as long as I can remember, people have affirmed my gifts for communication. Whether it was a well-meaning hermana who came up to me after a sermon and told me something, or my beloved mother, or even the sermon critique at ARISE, I have been told that I have gifts in the area of communication. Though I seek to stay humble and small before my eyes, I know there's arrogance in me because of all this treatment. It's a continual fight to remember the words of my former outreach partner Stephanie Lester, "Now don't get a big head because of this..."

Which leads to a moment of humility I experienced my first Sabbath here in Germany. It came while doing outreach as part of the Youth in Mission schedule in downtown Mannheim. It had been a while since I felt these feelings of insecurity about communication. I was afraid of talking to people because I knew I couldn't communicate. Just like that, a simple geographical displacement, and whatever skills I might think I have in rhetoric and imagery vanished to the point that I wanted to hide behind Jeanine and Manuel the whole time.

I only ventured to talk to someone on my own because a couple of the outreach organizers pushed me on, said they would pray for me, and that they would keep an eye out for me. Otherwise, I doubt I would've spoken to anyone on my own.

As I was sitting in the tram, heading back to the afternoon meeting, my ego was hurting. I was sobered up and I realized that gifts and talent are not things which I should be boasting about because they're more fragile and limited than I realize. Move me to another country and none of it means anything.

Here in Germany, I am once again being challenged because experiences are demonstrating to me that I am not the big shot 'ministry guy' I think I am. Basically, these moments remind I am only a nineteen year old kid with a little dream and much to learn. But you know, having much to learn seems to make life more interesting. At least, I seem to enjoy myself a lot more when I stop pretending like I know everything and I'm ready for anything, but rather sit down, watch, and pray.

So Oliver and I are headed across the pond

Hey. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog here and there. I know the stuff is pretty lame and boring most of the time because, I mean really, what does a nineteen year old kid really have to say about the world and religion?

Haha. I appreciate your support as I share my story here on this little piece of the blogosphere. :) And I am excited to report a very exciting twist in the story.

Oliver and I are packing up and heading over to Europe. Germany to be exact, to be a part of AFCOE-Europe. I am not quite sure about all that I am going to be doing, but I know I will be financially provided for and that there is a certain sense of security heading that way.

I'm a bit nervous because I have never gone across the pond. Also, mum and dad won't be a phone call away to help me fix my problems so the adult life will be wholly learned.

There's much to be excited about and much to be nervous about. Some thousands of years ago, Israelites stayed up late and packed hurriedly to make a quick exodus from the land of their bondage to a promised land.

I don't pretend to think God is leading me to Germany as a promised land, but tonight as I finish packing and prepare for this voyage, it strikes me that as I leave the States there will be much cleansing as I am cut off from many 'Americanisms' and experience the very different, very secular, very foreign Germany.

Most of all though, Oliver and I are excited to do mentoring with AFOCE-Europe and engage in all the lessons that will yield. Oliver invites you to continue reading this blog as it will trace my adventures, my stories written as I live under grace over in the Vaterland. :)