Confessions of a two year old

Last year, I wrote about my one year old's epiphany.  I wanted to continue the tradition this year. Two years ago on this day, I was rebaptized. These are the things I learned as I turned two years old in Christ.

Humiliation

It is an uncomfortable word. It is an uncomfortable experience. Yet, while I look back over the course of this past year, I have a deep appreciation of the moments of humiliation in my life. See, I am a stubborn and hard-hearted man, and so I have realized that while affirmation and encouragement can be meaningful, it is not what really pushes me into greater growth. The experiences in my life where I fall down on my face in humiliation are the ones that ultimately create more growth in me. I cling to Christ closer. I am made small in my own eyes and it causes me to depend more fully upon Jesus. As my mentor Matt Minikus said to me, Cling to the things which humble you. I normally run away from them, but over this past year I have found these moments to be the ones where heaven draws nearer to me.

Bigotry

I have it. I was very surprised when I realized it. I didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming. I always considered myself a very open and accepting person, but it turns out that I am a bigot. To be bigoted is to reveal an obstinate belief in the superiority of one's own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others. Those of you who know me personally will probably agree that I struggle with this a lot. I realized some months ago and I have continually realized it over the course of this year, perhaps because I dedicated the year of 2013 to fighting my personal bigotry. What I realized is that my bigotry was tied into who I was and that it didn't matter what ideological tendencies I leaned to. I have gone through hyper conservative, hyper liberal, and very backslidden phases and I can attest that no matter what I believed, I had the tendency to look down upon the 'others.' I believe it is a human plague and it doesn't matter whether I am particularly religious or not, it is going to emerge. Therefore, I am wielding the weapons of Christ against it this year. I mean, you tell me, is there any room for bigotry in the fellowship of believers where we are supposed to reflect a unity in Christ comparable to the one the Father and Son enjoy?

Joy

Last year, when I turned one year old in Christ, I was still struggling with a lot of grief and a lot of bitterness. I cannot say I have been totally healed from those things. I must admit there are times where I still struggle with wanting to disengage, be depressed, and throw a little self-pity party to which no one has any interest in coming to. So yes, I am not totally healed, but over the last year, I have recovered my ability to enjoy. It's come slowly, much to the chagrin of my old ARISE intern friends. I had such a hard time letting loose and having fun when I was with them. The warmth, compassion, and love of friends, family, and my girlfriend, have made them vessels of the Spirit to guide Bryant back into the folds of joy. I know that I am positive and optimistic at heart, but much sin, guilt, and heartbreak have created barriers and suffocated the roots of joy in my heart. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ who has been able to give life to these seeds though. As I turn to two years old, I find myself laughing more often. I find myself being able to take a night off and make small talk again. Heck, I even find myself using smileys often. My happy dancing is back!

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There are my honest reflections as I turn two years of age in Christ. I am ever grateful the Spirit called me and continues to call me. I know I am far from the mark, but as I look back over this year, I find reason to have faith the Lord is raising me up. And with faith, comes hope. Now, hope does not disappoint, right?

A moment of humility

Most of my life has played out in a way reverse of what most people communicate their Christian experience to be. God has not been continually moving me into a job or role I never had interest in taking. On the contrary, I have dreamed of being a pastor since I was four or five, conducting small church service programs for my family in our rural Mexican home. Preaching a little sermon or sharing about Jesus to strangers in the market place.

When I was in fourth grade, I was already considering life in pastoral work, whom I would marry, and the way I would run things if I was given the reins to a church. In fact, it was so much in my little elementary mind that I wrote a couple poems about it.

So for me, I have always wanted to be in ministry and get a paycheck for it.

God hasn't needed to persuade me or 'gently' pressure me into it.

However, God has allowed me to serve in positions over the last several years where I have suffered serious damage to my pride. My ministry experience has been about continually realizing that my desires, ambitions, talents, goals, vision, etc. is not enough to create successful kingdom work.

In moments of humility, I face my limitations, or weaknesses, or just plain old rude selfish character and I fall to my knees pleading for God's forgiveness and blessing. Over the course of these last two weeks here in Germany, I have had several moments of humility but one has particularly stood out. The reason why it stands out so much is because it is in an area of great pride for me, the area of communication.

For as long as I can remember, people have affirmed my gifts for communication. Whether it was a well-meaning hermana who came up to me after a sermon and told me something, or my beloved mother, or even the sermon critique at ARISE, I have been told that I have gifts in the area of communication. Though I seek to stay humble and small before my eyes, I know there's arrogance in me because of all this treatment. It's a continual fight to remember the words of my former outreach partner Stephanie Lester, "Now don't get a big head because of this..."

Which leads to a moment of humility I experienced my first Sabbath here in Germany. It came while doing outreach as part of the Youth in Mission schedule in downtown Mannheim. It had been a while since I felt these feelings of insecurity about communication. I was afraid of talking to people because I knew I couldn't communicate. Just like that, a simple geographical displacement, and whatever skills I might think I have in rhetoric and imagery vanished to the point that I wanted to hide behind Jeanine and Manuel the whole time.

I only ventured to talk to someone on my own because a couple of the outreach organizers pushed me on, said they would pray for me, and that they would keep an eye out for me. Otherwise, I doubt I would've spoken to anyone on my own.

As I was sitting in the tram, heading back to the afternoon meeting, my ego was hurting. I was sobered up and I realized that gifts and talent are not things which I should be boasting about because they're more fragile and limited than I realize. Move me to another country and none of it means anything.

Here in Germany, I am once again being challenged because experiences are demonstrating to me that I am not the big shot 'ministry guy' I think I am. Basically, these moments remind I am only a nineteen year old kid with a little dream and much to learn. But you know, having much to learn seems to make life more interesting. At least, I seem to enjoy myself a lot more when I stop pretending like I know everything and I'm ready for anything, but rather sit down, watch, and pray.

Listen to your mentors (Thanking Light Bearers, again)

Yesterday, I attended the Cicero Seventh-day Adventist Church where Pastor Kelly delivered one of the best sermons I have ever experienced. I say experienced because when a sermon is really good, it is not just heard, it is experienced. The emotions, the thoughts, the conviction, the challenge, the invitation to action, what you end up doing when the sermon is over, along with the place and setting of the sermon all become an experience that is not forgotten.

His sermon was directed to men. It was a rousing challenge and appeal to the men in the audience to live up to the title of, "Christian man." He ended by challenging the men to commit to encountering Christ daily by having daily devotions. It was stirring to see a pastor care so much for the people in his church to preach a challenging sermon in love and kindness.

Two of the several things which really struck me in the sermon was a reminder of the importance of having godly mentors which you listen to and how vital it is to say, "I was wrong."

I think the reason why these two things stayed in my mind is because of my experience at Light Bearers last year during the internship program. My last months of the internship were a bit dramatic and filled with some turmoil, to say the least. I have reason to believe I began to approach the need for disciplinary actions from the staff, whether it be leaving the internship or something else I am not sure, but I know there were many talks they had with me about a particular area of misbehavior and as I look back now, with more clarity, I realize how disobedient I remained.

There's plenty of things I could try to bring up to my defense. I could seek to rationalize it in my mind or even explain how I really was trying to obey them and point to some victories here or there. However, that wouldn't be honest. My conscience bears testimony against me, so in my mind, I realize, I was wrong.

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After the sermon was over, Matt Minikus the dean of ARISE and one of the men who was keenly aware of my misconduct during the last few months of my I internship, and I walked together over to the house we were going to at. The Spirit urged me to apologize. I looked at Matt with a sheepish, apologetic smile and wish peered softly, "Hey, Matt, I am sorry. I was wrong. I was wrong and you guys were right. I should've listened to your wisdom. Thanks for your patience and forbearance with me." He smiled back at me. I appreciate the apology, I appreciate you and the staff appreciated you too and we had given you enough where we decided to be patient. Then we walked up the drive way where he stopped and drew a heart in the snow and then I added a 'J' inside the heart because it was for Josie, his wife. I smiled and thought of the days when I will get to draw hearts for my beloved and thanked Light Bearers again in my heart.

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As a Christian man, it is important to listen to your mentors. God has placed them in mentorship over you for a reason. They have insights into where you're at. It is important to listen and obey and to admit, I was wrong, when you are. May you embrace the mentors God had placed in your life, may you seek their wisdom and obey it, and may you be humble enough to say, I was wrong, when it is time to confess.